Citizen low.. Citizen high..

Well.. I've been feeling like I had a pretty lowsy week (first week holidays). Waking up really late, not doing much school work, sitting on my butt watching dvds(12 hours altogether!). But.. things are looking up. I'm waking up earlier now!! Yay! Coz I figured I should get a better start to the day, and what better start than Playhouse Disney!! Hehe.. it's kinda cool. The asian guy's not too bad lookin but he just looks so typical.. and his whole face is just too perfect. It's not right.

Holidays are pretty lonely for me. I spend my time at home... by myself =(. After a week of being alone.. you really do get pretty lonely. I wanna go out.. do things.. especially when the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day outside, but I know I have so much stuff that I need to finish first.

Spent some time talking with my Mum last night. Telling her about everything that's been on my mind.. I didn't realise that there was so much on my mind. I don't think I'm a person that can keep problems to myself. I need to talk about with someone. So it was really good to have someone just listen and give great advice.. my Mum's really good at that *wink*.

After I was talking to her.. this thought came into my head. How can we distiniguish between saying "I love you" and actually loving someone (which will show by how you care for them). I wanted so much to tell my Mum that I love her.. but when I think about it.. it was more about expressing a feeling.. rather than genuine love. I would say "I love you Mum" to thank her for everything that she does for me.. for how much that i know SHE loves ME.. but is it really correct to say "I love you" because that's what you feel. I think if I really did love my Mum, the way God wants us to love people, I might do some of the things that I know I should do (for example.. cleaning the house, washing the dishes more, cooking, ironing, doing laundry... especially if she's tired or not feeling too well). I know I do these things sometimes... but the point is.. if I really do love my Mum, than I should not just say it.. but show it. When I say "I love you" I don't want it to just be empty words, or words describing how I feel.

So then... how do you describe "that feeling" when you "love" someone? Maybe "thank you" is the better word?

One of the reasons why I'm thinking about this is because.. you don't want to say to God.. "oh God, I love you so much!" when really... you don't love God at all.. but God is the one that loves you! I'm not saying I don't love God.. and I'm not saying that I do love God all the time. What I'm saying is.. guess we should be careful with how we use that word?

Also applies to relationships. I suppose the question that we should always be asking ourselves is What really is love? We have to be weary when our bfs or gfs tell us that they love us.. how do you know that they're not just empty words? I really do believe that if your bf/gf really, genuinly loves you, then you won't need him/her to say those 3 words to you to know it. You'll know by the way he/she treats you, by their behaviour towards you.

Anyway.. I was feeling pretty low this last week.. my own fault btw and no one else'. She some tears, expressed my fears.. then went off to bed because I was sooooo tired. Only had 4 hours of sleep because I couldn't get to sleep on Saturday night. I hate it when I can't get to sleep and all this paranoia and scary thoughts about death and the like torment me.

Everytime a terrorist attack happens, it just shakes your whole confidence in your mortality. I travel by train, 5 days a week.. my Mum travels by train. A bomb could go off any day and that's it. We could die.. any of these days.. going to work.. going to school. The thought scares me! It's actually terrifying (especially when I can't sleep at night). But I realised last night whilst sharing this with my Mum.. that that's what life is. We could die any moment either by a terrorist bomb or by something else. But it all depends on our perspective. If this life on Earth is all that you have, then yeah.. death is pretty scary. But if you see life, as a gift from God.. a temporary time that is to be lived.. and taken away when the time is right.. then death doesn't seem so bad. I might be scared now.. I might be fearful of what it'd be like.. but I think that when your time comes.. when God wants to take you home, then there's nothing you can do about.. you'll just have to accept it. When faced with death.. I think people will be ready for it. When it's your time.. then it's your time.

I'm glad that I don't have to worry about whether I've done enough good things or not to go to Heaven, because that was my first response. "Omgosh.. what if I don't go to Heaven because I've done this or that". But I know that that's not correct. If it were then I'd be screwed! We don't go to Heaven because we do good things, but because what God has done for us. Because we believe that Jesus is all we need to be saved. I may not be perfect.. and I may not do really good things. But it's not even my place to judge myself. God knows my heart.. he knows my motives. I'm always weary when people do good things. I think to myself.. "Are they doing it so that they can be saved.. or because they have been saved?".. I'm weary of myself when I try to be a 'good person'.. but in the end.. no one can really ever know what's in the heart of others. We're in no position to judge and it's really none of our business. It's between that person, and God.

A lot of other thoughts going through my head but if I write them all then this post will be waaaaaaaay too long.

I did my economics essay today. Glad to get that off my chest. Still a lot more things to do. Retreat is coming soon! I'm excited.. but also stressed at the same time because it's finally dawned on me. I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to do! So.. I'm gonna have to do a lot of scrambling to get myself out of this situation. No more sleeping at 2 am that's for sure. Goodbye late night reading.

I wanna get a few cds to add to my collection: MercyMe double pack, Brooke Fraser, and possibly Chris Tomlin. Might borrow it from Debby first to see if it's worth it. But I do love "Indescribable" and "How Great is our God". Found this really great christian music website where you can listen to clips of albums all in a row, so you don't have to keep clicking on the next song. But don't get your hopes up when you see that you can download the songs for a dollar each. You have to live in america =(

Anyway.. that'll be it for now.

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life.

No one comes to the Father except through me.

- John 14:6